Are You Proud?

I saw a post recently on IG that asked if the you five years ago would be proud of you now, and it got me thinking about me five years ago versus who I am today.

Five years ago, I was just starting what would end up being a four-year journey learning about faith and Christianity. I felt untethered. Lost. My anxiety was high, and I was looking for a connection. Connection to something that I thought would help me feel like I belonged. I longed for a sense of community. All of which I thought I found at a church my family started attending during this time.

A little back story: I grew up in a "woo woo" spiritual household. Crystals were everywhere, tarot readings were normal and so was Reiki healing. We celebrated Christmas, so I knew who Jesus was but we weren't religious. My mother never kept me away from the church. I was allowed to go with a friend if I wanted to check it out, which I occasionally did. But, as I got older, I felt disconnected. Sort of like nothing ever really worked for me. I was told once by a close friend that I would never fit into one "box." That I would take bits and pieces from everything and create my own way. But as I walked my path, I never was able to get a solid read on who I was. So I continued to grasp at straws, doing this and that. I learned Reiki but couldn't embrace it. I started reading tarot but still had a hard time feeling a connection to anything. And on it went, until about five years ago.

When we started attending church, I felt that sense of community right away. We were welcomed with big smiles and friendly "hello's." I fell in love with all of it pretty quickly, the pot luck dinners, chili cook-offs, family movie nights, etc. I started to attend any class I could, so I could learn more and more about this specific religion. I started volunteering. That first year was a whirlwind of joy and learning.

I think looking back that the whirlwind masked the feeling I had in my gut completely. A feeling that started to nag me in my second year. As I got deeper and deeper in the church, the nag got bigger and bigger. But the bigger it got, the more I dove in. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to belong. I wanted to be like the people I was surrounded by so badly I started to lose myself. I had this idea that if I could try hard enough I would one day just "poof" belong and all the nagging would go away. As the years went by, I lost more and more of who I really was. At the time, I had no idea. I just thought something was wrong with me. That I was too different, and I just needed to keep trying. To embrace the classes, the mentoring, the leadership, all of it. Go on the retreats and get closer to God. He would show me, help me be like the others.

It didn't work. I just got angrier and angrier inside. I would look at myself in the mirror and despise who I saw looking back at me. A fake, but not. It wasn't as if I was actively being dishonest about what I struggled with. I wanted to fit in. On the outside, I went through the motions, hoping one day it would just click. On the inside, a part of me was screaming to get out. To run away and strip down all the layers and get down to who I really was.

Then the pandemic happened, and I was forced to be separated, removed, and faced with just myself. Finally, I was able to let it fall away and see what was left. I started doing the real hard work, learning how to love myself. My true self. Which meant I had to get to know myself again. Little by little, I allowed myself to do things that I found joy in. I started to really talk to God in my own way. I permitted myself to be authentically me. To return to that fiery woman who believed in things and wasn't afraid to say so. To invest in the gifts I had. To embrace them. To allow them to blossom.

Here I am, proud of the work I have done, of the choices I have made. Do I believe in God? Yes, I do. But it's not the same as it was. I know who I was made to be and what I was made to do, and I am doing it.

So I say with a loud YES, my self from five years ago would be so proud of the person I am today!

I want to add that I do not regret my experiences during this time. I met some amazing people, some of which I am still friends with and I learned a lot. I know that I would not be where I am today without my Christian journey.